Thoughts on scans - running while standing still

Stable.

For most people, including people with cancer, stable is a good word.

But why not for me? Why am I in a crappy mood after a stable scan?

I feel like stable has good and bad parts.

Yes, you're stable. Keep doing what you're doing, and don't worry about anything.

for 3 months.

My glass half empty side (which pretty much doesn't exist other than in this conversation) says, "well, according to the law of averages, the more times you come back stable the better the likelihood that the other shoe drops".

So stable is good for opening new 3 month windows, but it doesn't make me feel better emotionally. It's a temporary high.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I don't really care, because it's true.

So lets discuss what this three month window might hold for me.

For starters, I am going to BUY THE TICKET and say yes more.

I was thinking about a trip to Utah, now I might stop thinking about it and start planning it.

Skiing this year? Sign me up. More trips? Sign me up.

I am trying to figure out what to do with my new news. I can not be happy about being stable (even that sounds fucked up) but I am not going to dwell on that.

While taking Cleo outside to do her bidness, I realized something.

I have two choices. One, I sit around, just waiting for my next scans in 3 months or so, and hoping they come back stable.

Choice two is where I am headed, and I am sure you can guess. I don't have a ton of regrets (or ragrets for those who get the reference) but I want to make sure, that having a three month window and not enjoying it doesn't become one of them.

So I am choosing number two. Make sure I am enjoying life, taking advantage of things, saying yes, buying the ticket etc. Because, when I look back in 3 months after my next (presumably) stable scan, I want to be in awe of what I had experienced. My fear, which I won't let happen, is that I look back and realize I didn't do anything different, I just sat around. That won't happen.

So my lesson from these scans? Enjoy the fuck out of my next 3-4 months, buy the ticket, do new experiences, take advantage of the time and try not to look back and be disappointed that I didn't experience life.

So there you have it. Stable can be good, it can be bad, or it can be meh. I am hoping I can translate it to great and look back on the next three month window with no regrets.

Note: For those who haven't guessed, I had scans yesterday. (10/26/26) Everything important is stable (kidney, pancreas, liver, etc). They did find a tiny spot (4mm) in my lung but it's too small to do anything about so we will probably just watch and wait. It's in the same lobe as the last lung thing which was benign, so I am not worried