I do, I don't - shhhhh

I

Do I or don't I?

If you asked me on most days, I'd say I don't. But do I?

I have things, for sure but cancer?

I do:

work full time

volunteer too much

dream a lot

love the outdoors

always (almost) say yes to new experiences

"buy the ticket"

plan things I shouldn't

have some level of self-awareness

allow myself to feel my feels

dream of eating amazing foods that I don't eat

have high expectations of myself

push too hard, even when not that smart

ignore my limits (and not in a good way)

pretend i am 20 years younger

focus on what is right with me

I don't:

live in my diagnosis

let myself get too down

pay attention to myself

be careful

recognize my limits (although starting)

realize I am older

ask myself if something is smart before I do it

focus on what is wrong with me

So, there you have it

I do a lot, and I don't a lot

What's right?

I have cancer. Two of them.

I don't like saying it,

but maybe i need to.

While I figure out the balance

of having a serious illness

but wanting to live and enjoy my life

Are they mutually exclusive?

Can there be two things true at the same time?

Can I go hiking, and have cancer?

There is sometimes a difference between what's smart

and what is

I wrestle

not wrassle

wiith what is

what I want to be

and who I want to be

Do I want to be my diagnosis?

never.

Do I want to be Burt with some issues

always

Is it solvable for me?

Probably not

I am and always will be a dreamer

Maybe I don't need to solve it

Maybe I just need to stay aware of it.

Yeah, that's it

Maybe I just need to "just be"

aware, conscious, acknowledging, and accepting

put the limits where and when I need to

Probably push too far sometimes

but deal with it.

Because I am lucky, I can.