Embrace the dark - a poem that isn't as sad as it's title

drip, drip, drip

the iv infuses me with the liquids i need to live longer

the hydration fluids

the amino acids, the building blocks of protein that I learned about in high school,

to protect my kidneys

and then

the radiation. the kind of thing people spend years avoiding, wear suits to protect themselves, and use measurers to ensure safety.

yes, that enters me.

It nukes my tumors.

The PRRT is supposed to help stabilize me.

it's stopping my body from doing what my body naturally wants to do

what could go wrong?

fighting against you own body, to live longer than you would without it.

that sounds ominous.

am I fighting myself?

I have to distance myself from others and cede my independence,

me, a person who thrives on independence,

it's not easy

those around me are amazing, but

i still have to cede part of myself

is it different than other things I have done?

I start to think.

step, step, step

climbing mountains is kind of a metaphor.

one foot in front of the other

the monotony of climbing up, the pain of climbing down

the repetitive music, or counting, that my mind goes to on climbs

it could be beats of five

or counting to a million

whatever gets me up the hill

whatever shifts my focus from what I am doing to the outcome I want

not unlike going through treatment,

just get me past it

cancer is a mountain.

unfortunately, not one that I can descend from.

I will be climbing this mountain the rest of my life.

falling, falling, falling

jumping out of a perfectly good plane on the anniversary of my diagnosis

why?

to show myself that I am still here

to appreciate life

to live to my fullest

to scare myself

but i always land with a smile

Great things never came from comfort zones.

if I don't push myself, i get bored

for me, learning is living

What does all of this make me feel? the cancer, the adventures, the combination

Am I brave? Am I hanging on? am I trying to prove to myself that I am enough?

bravery, what a strange concept.

what is bravery?

a lot of people tell patients they are brave.

is bravery a choice?

is facing your fears brave because you have to or because you decide to

did bravery start with early people fighting things they feared?

am I fighting things I fear now?

i don't like the word fighting (even though I just used it twice and about to use it again)

I am not fighting. I am living alongside things and working to make the best of them.

a lot of people use war metaphors for cancer.

but, in cancer, you are fighting yourself.

does that make sense?

there's gotta be better words

is weathering better? enduring? coping? persisting?

feel, feel, feel

I am trying to let myself feel

not just the good

but the bad, the scary, the vulnerable

its ok to cry

its ok to be sad

and its ok to be happy and smile

but mostly, it's ok to just be

be what i am, when i am.

i don't need to fight it (that word again)

i need to accept it. to be aware of it

to not bury it.

that is what my burtness (being burt) depends on

being true and authentic to myself.

not trying to force myself to be or feel something that I am not or don't feel.

embrace the dark, it's ok

not everything is happy

not everything has to distract me

its ok to explore the dark

sometimes

working with and through the dark helps to get to the light

This was my first foray into poetry. I don't know if it will stick or not, but why not try something new? I haven't written a poem before but I felt inspired. Thanks for reading.