IDGAF - how cancer taught me to care about the things that matter

Note: I submitted the below as an article for Cure Magazine

Imagine driving your car 80 mph, directly into a wall. That's a cancer diagnosis. You’ve been coasting down the highway, listening to some tunes, maybe eating junkie snacks, and you run into a wall. In an instant, everything changes. Your speed, your attitude, everything. It all changes.

It’s arresting, whatever metaphor we use. The hamster wheel stopping, the car crash, etc. It’s a catalyst. And for those who understand change, there is no change without a catalyst.

Ok, enough opining. Let me share some thoughts.

When you hit that wall, or at least when I did, I re-evaluated everything. And I pretty much mean everything. My friends, how I live, what I eat, how I sleep, where I get involved, what matters to me, finances, everything. 

I took a walk in the woods (I love being out in nature, it’s so healing) and I developed my guiding principles:

• Heal myself

• Help others heal

• Help others who help others heal

• Better support my friends and family (it’s not all about me)

And that was when I really transformed. It’s when I entered my IDGAF phase.

So, for those who don’t know what IDGAF means, I’ll be gentle. It means “I Don’t Give A Fudge (not how I’d say it but don’t want to offend those who get offended by language)”.

This is a definition that I really like:

The "idgaf phase" (I don't give a f***) is a mindset where you stop worrying about other people's opinions, societal expectations, and petty stressors. It's a liberating shift from people-pleasing and overthinking to prioritizing your own mental peace, boundaries, and authenticity. 

Taken to the extreme it can come across as a lack of empathy, apathy or emotionally immaturity, but I don’t take it there. Extreme other things? For sure. Extreme IDGAF, never!

But, adopted correctly, it can lead to less stress, understanding of what’s important to you, can be freeing, reduce anxiety and help you set up better boundaries.

So let me tell you what it means to me and how I use it in my professional (i’m a marketing guy) and personal lives.

I now say what I think. I am not worried about how people will view or judge me. I am more worried about staying true to myself. I don’t go looking for fights, but I say what I think. My attitude is that if you don’t like me, that’s your problem. If you don’t like what I am saying, let's chat about it.

Examples. I was on a board about marketing. Guess what doesn’t really matter to me? Growing marketing. So I am not on that board anymore. 

I worked hard to maintain friendships with people who didn’t reciprocate. So I let go. 

Someone (just yesterday) sent a really offensive email in an organization that I have given a lot of time and emotion to. Guess what? I replied all and explained how offensive it was. I didn’t get a response, so will probably let go of that organization. It mattered a lot to me that I said what I thought. Ruffling feathers mattered much less to me. 

I go skydiving because, I am not scared of trying new experiences. I got a tattoo of my mantra, “just be”. That was a new experience. I push myself to take adventures. I say what I think at work, because, why would they hire me to “yes” them. So I tell them exactly what I think, even if it’s controversial.

I am not offensive and never try to be.  it’s hard to offend me. But, since that initial car crash when I got diagnosed, I learned that I need to make the most of the time that I have, no matter how long that is. And I need to live for myself. I matter and, while I need to take care of, be empathetic and sympathetic to those around me, I don’t need to change myself to please others.

I am Burt. Hear me roar!

So, my IDGAF phase might be the best phase of my life, even with two cancers (RCCC and Stage 4 Pancreatic Neuroendocrine Tumors). It’s freed me from trying to please others and living the time that I have stuck in a routine and a rut where I was more focused on pleasing others than on pleasing myself.

So, think about it. Who and what matters most, you, or pleasing other people? If you please others, but aren’t happy, is that a win?

Cancer has taught me a ton, and I am grateful for what I have learned. That’s one thing that I do GAF about!