A celebration of having

I had a great therapy session today. It's funny, I started off thinking "what am I going to talk about" and ended up being completely inspired.

I haven't written about this yet, but this year, for the anniversary of my diagnosis in July, I am going to go camping and hiking in the North Cascades Washington, by myself. I am so excited. I can't wait to be alone and self-reliant in an incredibly beautiful place. With bears (I love bears!).

Now, let me digress. Back in December, I wrote a blog post about never feeling enough. At the time, I was feeling like I could never volunteer enough, never get enough recognition, never be validated enough, and never make a big enough difference in the world. It was kind of exhausting, feeling like I was always chasing something that I could never catch. I felt like I might never be enough no matter what I did. It was sad. I was sad. It made me think. A lot.

And therapy has helped. I have spent a lot of time asking myself, "what does enough mean to me?". How much validation do I need, how many places do I need to volunteer, how much do I need to get recognized and rewarded at work? Why can't I be happy and "just be" (my mantra).

I thought about all of that. A lot. What was driving me, why couldn't I be happy where I was and with what I had.

And then, fast forward to today. My therapist and I were talking about my camping trip. My therapist, after listening to me for a while and hearing my excitement, asked "do you feel like you are enough now?" And we started to talk about it. One of the things I am most excited about, is doing nothing, and figuring out how to do nothing in a beautiful place. Not chasing the next great thing. Doing something. For me, and not for validation, recognition or advancement.

A tent for 3 nights? Check. Dark early with no electronics? Yup. Planning for food or figuring out how to make do with what I have? Yes. Bathrooms? Got it. Hiking? I'll do what my body lets me.

And then it hit me. I am enough. I am where I need to be, where I want to be. I am not doing this trip to chase being enough, but I am going to experience being enough, in nature, in a beautiful spot. Using MY knowledge, MY experience, MY emotions, MY thoughts, MY resourcefulness.

It was after this realization that she said to me, "is this kind of a celebration of having?" I LOVED that phrase. It perfectly describes who I am now. I am not chasing. I am living my IDGAF lifestyle. I am happy, even when I am in a tent by myself at 8pm at night.

I am happy. I am where I need to be. I am beginning to feel like my never enough days are over. And I am moving into my celebration of having phase. And it's an amazing feeling.