I had my 3-month scans yesterday. The good news? I am "spectacularly stable". My doctor had a better term than that but neither Krista nor I can remember the word he used, so, "spectacularly" it is!
What does that mean? It means my tumors aren't growing and they aren't spreading. They are stable. I also had a few "unremarkable"s sprinkled into the report write-up. Nothing new for me to do until my next scans in 3 months. Surgery is going to happen one day, but nothing is forcing me to get it until we see some growth or spread.
For those not aware, in the world of cancer diagnosis, "unremarkable" and "stable" are equal to "doing great" and "awesome" in normal people's speak.
So, overall, great report. Exactly what I would hope for. 3-5 more months of living my life how I want to.
But, for some reason, I feel off about it all, even though I should feel happy. I am way more self-aware than I used to be so I have been thinking a lot about why I am feeling this way. Where I am ending up, is that, in cancer, a tie is a good thing. I am not winning, sure, but, more importantly, I am not losing. But, my whole life, I have never strived for a tie.
For me, the way I work is that I try to drive change and make things better for people. I like progress. I am pretty measured in how I look at things and I do pay attention to moving forward and change. If I don't feel like I am making a difference, it weighs on me. That is how I look at my volunteer work and my professional world. The status quo is just not good enough and doesn't make me happy.
But, with my cancers, I have to take the status quo as a victory. I have to be happy with a tie. That isn't easy for me. I think that's the struggle I am going through right now. I am stable and unremarkable, which is great. But I am not progressing, improving, or changing, which is what I look for in most things I do.
Hence, my unsettled feeling. No doubt I will get to the point that I start rooting for ties (maybe I should become a soccer fan) but it's going to take some work, some thinking, and some re-wiring of my brain.
If there was ever a good topic for therapy, this might be it!