This or that: Thoughts from the Kippur 2025

Unfortunately, my Yom Kippur walk in the woods (WITW) tradition is slightly delayed this year. I had my 2nd radiation treatment on last Friday (9/26) and I am still feeling the effects with some nausea and fatigue. Hopefully it's working! I won't know until March/April when I get my first, post-treatment scan.

But, just because I didn't do my WITW doesn't mean that I didn't spend the day thinking about life. Ok, at least a part of the day. And those who can't walk, blog.

My big realization for the day came about from an experience I had when I was 27. A friend and I went to the Caldor's in Bridgehampton, NY. Not sure if people know what Caldors was, but it was essentially a Kmart/WalMart type suburban department store that sold everything from electronics, to bikes, to tools, to food and more.

I remember going to the candy aisle. Mind you, department store candy aisles are NOT for amateurs! This is not a normal sized candy bar type of trip, but more of a "I want a ton of candy" trip that results in buying bags of candy and getting sick from eating too much of it.

I was standing there, looking at all the candy and being excited, and all of a sudden realizing, "I can get a 12 pack of Reeses and eat it. I am an adult and no one can make that decision except me. BUT, If I do, I will feel like crap after".

THAT WAS THE MOMENT I BECAME AN ADULT!

I realized that I can make any decision that I want, I am accountable for my decisions and any impact that they might have, good or bad. It's all on me. I can eat crap loads of candy if I want, but I might feel sick. To quote Romy, that was my adulting moment.

I learned that lesson at 27, but continued to not pay much attention to it for most of my life.

But now, I am realizing that my life has become a series of choices. I can do this, but than this will happen. I can go camping, but theres a risk. I can jump out of a plane, but who knows how I will feel. I can travel, but might pay the price either after my trip or, hopefully not, during my trip. I can eat too much, but I might feel sick after. What is worth it, and what isn't? This, or that?

My realization happened because I am going to a conference in Austin, TX in three weeks, NANETS to speak about how people with NETs are using AI. I am very excited for the conference, the speaking, the networking (it's a room filled with NETs specialists and organizations from around the world including every oncologist and surgeon I know or have heard of) but I know there might be some impacts to how I feel, either while in Austin, or once I get home. Fatigue, headaches, nausea are a real possibility (but not a certainty).

And here is where it all comes together. Is the potential negative impact worth the excitement of the trip? Life is a series of choices, ramifications, internal discussions, etc. I can do something thats great for my mental health, but might not make me feel great. So what do I do?

As I have been thinking about this, no surprise (within reason), my mental health wins. I feel like the more I challenge myself, meet people, am social, the better I will feel overall. So, in this case, I am going to Austin, even if I end up costing myself some recovery time.

I am lucky. I am still capable of doing a lot of the things that I want to, so I can take time to recover if I need it. But if I start deciding not to do things, it won't be good for my mental health, which is what drives me for now.

What I realized, is that there is nothing that is a simple decision for me anymore. I have to look at decisions on their own merit, AND think about the implications and ramifications of my decision. I can eat the candy, BUT I might feel sick after. What do I do?

Maybe this is elementary for others, but thinking about the choices was a kind of awakening moment for a guy like me who does most things based on emotional decisions in the spur of the moment.

I'll leave you all with that. For those who celebrate, happy new year. I hope the holidays have been meaningful for you or have been what you needed them to be.